Watch It Burn

I lit the match and set my old life ablaze. I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm unfamiliar. But I did it. I did it for survival - all while screaming "IT HAS *GOT* TO BE BETTER THAN THIS! THERE HAS TO BE MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS!" 

Now I feel some confusion because this is a road untraveled. This is a road where you have to drive on the left. I have no experience with this. I'm still scared. I'm still angry but yet, it's different. It's different because life as I knew it is gone. There's been a paradigm shift in my world. I can't go back. I can't unlearn what I know now. 

As I meditate I see a version of myself I've never seen before. She is strong, empowered with a powerful and "take no shit" stance. She is emboldened. She doesn't care what other people think; in fact, she isn't even looking at them. Her eyes are closed and she's protected, standing in a barren white, cracked desert. She is wearing white but wrapped in colorful fabric strips which are flowing in the wind. To the right and left are everything she doesn't let in: thoughts, emotions, moods, expectations, responsibilities. She is a pillar. She is uninhabitable. She is protected. She is wrapped in positivity. She is surrounded like a tornado with love and warmth and energy. She is grounded and knows what she wants and how to get it. This person is someone I have never seen before and she will be taken seriously. 

I sense the smoke from the smoldering fire that was my life. I sense it but I walk away from it with arms open and raised skyward, hands soft, head held high, eyes closed with the sun turning her eyelids orange and she's smiling. She is calm and safe and not paying attention to anything other than her footsteps. One step and then another, deliberately. There is nothing in her way. 

This person is someone I have never met before and I refuse to ignore her. I do not know how to go from the scared, angry, lonely firestarter to the woman I see in the desert...