2020: Sobriety Journey

Wow! It's been 10 years since I wrote here & so much has happened. More on that later. Right now I am nursing a massive hangover with chicken Ramen noodles & a Bud light. I am feeling sick AF. It's time to make a change & grow up. I am having surgery on my left knee next week for a meniscus root tear. I am so overweight that I am actually worried about blowing out my good knee while it's supporting all of my 225-230lbs during the 6 weeks non weight bearing post-op. Never too late to change. "Anything's possible while your heart's still beating" - somebody said that but I'm too dizzy to look it up. My dad passed away 1-26-18 from heart disease & complications of diabetes. I also found out recently that my mom has been on blood pressure meds "for years." Hello genes, I haven't been helpful...until now. First step: gag down this beer, pop aspirin, go back to bed & not think about the fact that I've so not been living my best life...until now. Well, actually when I have my second morning in a few hours...hopefully. Hopefully I will feel mucho better then. I'm too old, I'm too tired, I'm too fuckin... fuckin drunk. #atmylowest? #heaviestihaveeverbeen #onlygetsbetterfromhere #onwardsandupwards

Comments

Just a Little Cat Pee

My husband and I leave our Song of Solomon marriage class lastnight feeling oh-so-romantic, because that was the topic...and feelin' all warm and fuzzy. I'm thinking: I hope the kids are asleep when we get home (if you know what I mean...). As we walk in the door, our 4 year old comes out with a big "Mawmaw you're HOME!" Apparently, bumpin' and grindin' isn't on the menu AND THEN... I look over and our youngest cat is pissing on the counter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTH?! I know I didn't buy litter at the store yesterday but SERIOUSLY?! ONE DAY LATE in changing the litter?! COME ON!! You see, my husband is very anal about the litter box. He scoops it everyday and changes the litter entirely every week, like clockwork. Well, Walmart was out of the little bags of litter that I normally buy AND with my still- jacked-up shoulder, I can't lift the 40 lb. bags of litter; so, I just didn't buy any...I thought what's the big deal...Brian can get some ...

Day 11 Sitting with Myself 1 of 2. Length: 1 hour

I own a small, predominantly online handcrafted jewelry business. I have been in business 3 years, 5 months & 2 days - exactly the same amount of time that I've been sober because I am an alcoholic. I'd like to think my success in both of those areas are directly linked. I stay sober by making jewelry. Successfully selling jewelry keeps me from drinking. But what if sales decrease or straight up end? Would I drink again? I drop new jewelry on my website every Friday at 9am est. It is 11:30 and I have zero sales. In all the years in business, that has NEVER happened on a drop day. It's depressing. I've watched sales steadily decline over the past few months, often daydreaming about the what if's and the why's. Is it our declining economy? Is it crappy designs? It is me? Recently it was brought to my attention that I offended and upset one of my long-time, consistently supportive customers. I noticed that she hadn't placed an order in several weeks. I was...

Watch It Burn

I lit the match and set my old life ablaze. I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm unfamiliar. But I did it. I did it for survival - all while screaming "IT HAS *GOT* TO BE BETTER THAN THIS! THERE HAS TO BE MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS!" Now I feel some confusion because this is a road untraveled. This is a road where you have to drive on the left. I have no experience with this. I'm still scared. I'm still angry but yet, it's different. It's different because life as I knew it is gone. There's been a paradigm shift in my world. I can't go back. I can't unlearn what I know now. As I meditate I see a version of myself I've never seen before. She is strong, empowered with a powerful and "take no shit" stance. She is emboldened. She doesn't care what other people think; in fact, she isn't even looking at them. Her eyes are closed and she's protected, standing in a barren white, cracked desert. She is wearing white but wrapped in ...

Talking Out My Yipper

Search This Blog