Today I decided to do the 2 hours together. I'm not sure that was super helpful. I feel like I just slept the last half hour/45 minutes anyway... even snoring/snorting myself awake a couple times. I did take Xanax and hemp oil after the first hour so maybe that had something to do with it. So the first hour was more productive for sure.
What kept drawing my attention was the sexual assault I endured at 12 or 13 years old... I know for sure that by 8th grade it had already happened because the bullying about it started during that school year. I was at the house party of an older male friend with my childhood best friend and I believe (I will just state the facts as I remember, from my point of view) we were the only 2 girls there. We were with Brian S, Brian H, Steve S, Cole G and I think that was it. We were playing some sort of game in the living room that turned into a drinking game possibly even a strip poker type of situation. There are flashes of memory after that: the hall way, the back bedroom with the hall light shining through the open door, people around me and whispering in the dark. I don't remember feeling any pain at that time. They were talking to each other. And then nothing else until I woke up in the daylight, alone, and I just knew something wasn't right down there and that I had to have been drugged. I went out into the hall and everything was very quiet. I remember finding my best friend in the bedroom, next to the one I was in, with one of the guys in the twin bed. I went to the bathroom and I remember some amount of pain when urinating. I don't remember if I showered there or when I got home (important later when questioned at the police station). After that there was conversation with other guys about my best friend who wasn't awake yet. The conversation or my investigation led to the knowledge that she was urinated on my one or more of the guys while in the bed. The overall conversation from the guys was that everything that happened was no big deal, that I was overreacting and that we wanted it.
Next thing I remember is being at our small town police department with my mom. I remember feeling scared sitting in the office before the chief of police came in. But mostly I felt sure I would get the help I needed and they all would be punished. Instead, the chief blamed me for all of it, asking me what did I expect getting drunk with a bunch of guys? He even went so far as to say if I was running down the street naked and got raped that I deserved it. He told me there was no proof anyway since I foolishly washed all the evidence away. I immediately felt dirty. I felt ashamed that I allowed this to happen to me. I immediately felt unsafe by this man of authority. I immediately felt like I couldn't be trusted by them becasue I myself was untrustworthy. I felt alone. I felt angry. But eventually I did feel like I deserved it. Like I wasn't worthy of good things, good feelings, good relationships, good experiences because I myself wasn't good. I was damaged. Broken. Unloveable. After that, when bad things happened, I wasn't surprised. I kind of expected it because that's what I deserved anyway.
Maybe that's when the self-sabotaging began I don't know but I do know that everything changed after that trip to the police station.
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