Skip to main content

Drugs

I'm pretty proud of myself. At one point, in 2009, when I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was on 20 (like 2-0 as in TWENTY) medications. As of this morning, I officially take 3 - two of which are because I no longer have a thyroid so those will never go away. I'm workin on that last one... in July I had a pretty bad mental breakdown -ish where I just couldn't do life the way it was anymore. I had gone sober on New Year's Day, making that decision while nursing a massive hangover. Sobriety brought a small jewelry business as well as mental clarity which led to July. There had to be more to life than that. 

I am currently seeing 2 counselors - one with the hubs & one solo. My eyes have been opened! I have co-dependency issues among other things but when you know better you do better! My life & my view of it has changed exponentially... for the better. It's so hard but it's for the better. Looking at yourself closely is never easy but I can say with certainty that I would rather see myself now, exactly as I am, than who I saw 3 months ago - a person who was unaware of herself, sacrificing herself day in & day out for everyone else's happiness. I was miserable. I just couldn't do it anymore. 

Along this journey, I decided to wean off meds I didn't really need & start taking healthier steps to managing my mental health & body. And I'm down to 3 medications. I'm pretty proud of myself. I killed off my pride in myself as an adult because I was always taught humility is best & pride is bad. Now I know: Being proud of yourself is not bad at all, but quite healthy! Who knew?! I didn't! Humility, to me, is not thinking you are better than you are but also, most importantly, not better than anyone else. We are all just humans passing through but dang it! I'm no longer letting that false sense of humilty & pride get in the way anymore! I AM PROUD OF MYSELF DAMMIT!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Granny

The little things, you do to me, are Taking me over, I wanna show ya Everything inside of me is Like a nervous heart, that, is crazy beatin My feet are stuck here, against the pavement I wanna break free, I want you to make it Closer to your eyes, get your attention Before you pass me by Back up, back up Take another chance Don’t you mess up, mess up I don’t wanna lose you Wake up, wake up This aint just a thing that you Give up, give up Don’t you say that I’d be Better off, better off Sittin by myself and wonderin If I'm better off, better off, without you, no Please don't leave me hanging on... And every time you notice me Holdin it closely and sayin sweet things I don't believe it, that it could be You speakin your mind and sayin the real things My feet wanna break free, and I should be leavin I'm not gonna stand here, watchin you losin But I won't forget you So don't make me think this Was just a waste of time So back up, back up Take another chance Don’t y...
1 comment
Read more

Day 2: Sitting with Myself. Length: 2 hours. Attention: Sexual Assault.

Today I decided to do the 2 hours together. I'm not sure that was super helpful. I feel like I just slept the last half hour/45 minutes anyway... even snoring/snorting myself awake a couple times.  I did take Xanax and hemp oil after the first hour so maybe that had something to do with it. So the first hour was more productive for sure. What kept drawing my attention was the sexual assault I endured at 12 or 13 years old... I know for sure that by 8th grade it had already happened because the bullying about it started during that school year. I was at the house party of an older male friend with my childhood best friend and I believe (I will just state the facts as I remember, from my point of view) we were the only 2 girls there. We were with Brian S, Brian H, Steve S, Cole G and I think that was it. We were playing some sort of game in the living room that turned into a drinking game possibly even a strip poker type of situation. There are flashes of memory after that: the hall ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Day 11 Sitting with Myself 1 of 2. Length: 1 hour

 I own a small, predominantly online handcrafted jewelry business. I have been in business 3 years, 5 months & 2 days - exactly the same amount of time that I've been sober because I am an alcoholic. I'd like to think my success in both of those areas are directly linked. I stay sober by making jewelry. Successfully selling jewelry keeps me from drinking. But what if sales decrease or straight up end? Would I drink again? I drop new jewelry on my website every Friday at 9am est. It is 11:30 and I have zero sales. In all the years in business, that has NEVER happened on a drop day. It's depressing. I've watched sales steadily decline over the past few months, often daydreaming about the what if's and the why's. Is it our declining economy? Is it crappy designs? It is me? Recently it was brought to my attention that I offended and upset one of my long-time, consistently supportive customers. I noticed that she hadn't placed an order in several weeks. I was...
Post a Comment
Read more