Talking Out My Yipper

Today I decided to do the 2 hours together. I'm not sure that was super helpful. I feel like I just slept the last half hour/45 minutes anyway... even snoring/snorting myself awake a couple times.  I did take Xanax and hemp oil after the first hour so maybe that had something to do with it. So the first hour was more productive for sure. What kept drawing my attention was the sexual assault I endured at 12 or 13 years old... I know for sure that by 8th grade it had already happened because the bullying about it started during that school year. I was at the house party of an older male friend with my childhood best friend and I believe (I will just state the facts as I remember, from my point of view) we were the only 2 girls there. We were with Brian S, Brian H, Steve S, Cole G and I think that was it. We were playing some sort of game in the living room that turned into a drinking game possibly even a strip poker type of situation. There are flashes of memory after that: the hall

 At first, I sat there feeling distracted by the roofers next door and the traffic of the city. I constantly wondered if I was "doing it right." It feels wrong, like a waste of time. I'm trusting that this is what I need but I'm not sure how this is gonna play out. I know that "quiet time" feels like something my soul has been needing so I've been doing a tiny bit, here and there. Nothing like the 2 hours a day that's been assigned. I don't think one can "dig deep" in just 5 minutes a day of sitting with oneself. Maybe the longer lengths of time was what I was missing. I don't know. I do know that I'm scared to do it, scared I'll "fail" or not "do it good enough" or that it simply won't work. Apparently, this time is a way of becoming self aware, processing the suffering I have endured, which ultimately leads to my "North Star" which is my life's purpose, meaning and fulfillment. Sounds