Talking Out My Yipper

I started my hell-thy eating yesterday and let me tell you---> I gagged at every meal. I want to make this lifestyle change and I wanted to start B4 the New Year (for reasons I'm not sure of) but yesterday was Day 1 and not good. I started the day with eggs and sausage. You'd think that wouldn't be so bad but the eggs were really "egg-y" tasting and I even checked the expiration date on them and they weren't even close to bad so huh?? I poured the hot sauce on and swallowed without chewing. Then for lunch I am having salads (this time was lettuce & spinach with black olives,Western dressing) and I baked up some grilled lemon pepper fish and I couldn't take a second bite, I was gagging so bad! It was awful. Checked the date. It was fine. Tasted very "fishy" and the texture was blech. So I'm starting to think I might be turning the corner again into vegetarian-land. Beef-grosses me out to just cook, let alone eat. Pork-it's ok, I

I never used to get depressed after Christmas but apparently I am this year...and in a BIG WAY! I have been in such a bad mood, it's unreal, unnatural and unfair. So continue reading at your own risk... I woke up the day after Christmas...no before that I was feeling "something not quite right" but then again I haven't been "quite right" for quite some time. But I was thinking about how I've been sick with bronchitis now for over 5 weeks and how I am supposed to wear a mask when I leave the house; which would mean wearing it to my mom's which WASN'T gonna happen but still. So, the day after Christmas I woke up hating the day. My cousin and her kid stayed overnight due to the weather and I was not real happy about it b/c I end up babysitting for her b/c she never gets up AND cleaning up after she leaves b/c she never helps clean up the mess her kid makes. So there was that and then Will begging and crying when I said no to opening and using his ne

I stayed up until 2 am the other night watching "2 Weeks in Hell," a show about the process of trying to become a Green Beret. I have to admit that YES this show looked harder than what I went thru but at the time I thought what I was going thru was in fact HELL and the worst thing I had ever experienced but also weirdly enjoyed the whole boot camp/basic training experience. I didn't like FTU very much but once my fat, tired and useless ass was in gear...and I was officially in basic training then it was aw-ight. My mom and sister kept all the letters I wrote home. 01 June 01 says: the Drill Sergeants make me laugh, which of course, gets me and all the others in trouble. When I got my Army debit card and was having trouble activating it this one DS asked where I was from and when I said South Bend, Indiana he said "figures." Then he asked me if I got a GED or diploma? When I said diploma he said "what a shame." :) Going to eat is a disaster. It'

Christmas just isn't the same anymore. I am like in mourning over Christmas' past. I loved going to Granny's with all those people and it just being NUTS! There was like over 50 people staying there or something crazy like that. Granny only had 4 spare bedrooms and a finished basement but it always worked out. I loved that every year we went to the movies late on Christmas Day. I want that tradition to continue: this year I want to see Nine. Also, I'd like to NOT be sick on Christmas Eve and Day. Doctor switched my meds yesterday and I feel like crap. Everything sounds like its underwater. My Kenny G Christmas music just isn't gonna sound the same. Since we already celebrated with the in-laws, my family is going to our church Christmas Eve celebration and donut give-away for the first time ever in the 6 years Vineyard has been our home. I get to take pictures for the photography team and wear a mask...Oh yeah, so sick and no immunity that I have to wear a mask in pu

We watched A Christmas Story for the first time last night and I was reminded of some of the horrible gifts I've been given in the past. One year, I remember my mom gave Kendra and I everything the same, but just in different colors...which included this little stationary set that had little Santa erasers in it. We still razz her about that because it was just so stupid. I got a homemade sweatshirt once from my step-grandma that had doilies hot glued all over it. Oh and the best was how my real grandma would buy her favorite grandkids Notre Dame stuff that was new, like still had the tags on it while I got a dirty old sweatshirt that was falling apart and had cardinals on it that was clearly straight out the dumpster. One year I did get this Sesame Street playhouse toy-thingy but it was all dirty and broken and I was like 12. Ooooo, I remember the year I decided to never again participate in the school gift exchange because everyone was talking and hoping and praying to NOT get the

This Christmas season started for me in like September. That was the first time I saw a store putting up their ornaments to sell and I thought "Geeesch, it's not even October!" But I did find Em's ornament that day, at that store and it's perfect. Anywho, when the "real" Christmas season rolled around I was bombarded by texts from women talking about "christmas decorations is gonna cause us to get divorced" and "I hate how he puts the lights up outside" or "I hope he doesn't expect me to wrap all these presents" or "he wants to just buy everyone a snuggie." I laughed a lot at these texts because Brian does leave the shopping to me (thank God) and actually will pretty much do anything I ask him to do (and he's quite the little wrapping perfectionist I might add). But the decoration fights/arguments, I finally understood...I couldn't recall doing it in the past but for some reason, we did this year. Anywh

So I agreed, again, to have a stupid home party. Stupid, stupid me. This party was for Silpada jewelry and their stuff ROCKS however: kinda pricey...hence having the party to earn free stuff. The last time I had one was about 3 years ago or so. It was so successful that I actually had to pick out even MORE stuff when it came time to write out the free stuff I earned. This time: notta-so-mush! It was doomed from the beginning really. The week leading up to the party consisted of my husband having the flu and me having a pap smear (i love that... smear ). Anywho, I almost strangled my husband and then almost bled to death at the gyno. The best part of the whole week was my new bestie Melissa coming to take care of me all the next day BUT the last thing she said to me before she left was "I'm gonna punch you in the uterus." Good times. So as of right now I don't have enough orders to get anything for free so this sucks. I put a lot of time and effort into the

My husband and I leave our Song of Solomon marriage class lastnight feeling oh-so-romantic, because that was the topic...and feelin' all warm and fuzzy. I'm thinking: I hope the kids are asleep when we get home (if you know what I mean...). As we walk in the door, our 4 year old comes out with a big "Mawmaw you're HOME!" Apparently, bumpin' and grindin' isn't on the menu AND THEN... I look over and our youngest cat is pissing on the counter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTH?! I know I didn't buy litter at the store yesterday but SERIOUSLY?! ONE DAY LATE in changing the litter?! COME ON!! You see, my husband is very anal about the litter box. He scoops it everyday and changes the litter entirely every week, like clockwork. Well, Walmart was out of the little bags of litter that I normally buy AND with my still- jacked-up shoulder, I can't lift the 40 lb. bags of litter; so, I just didn't buy any...I thought what's the big deal...Brian can get some

I haven't blogged in 4EVER b/c someone has been sick in this house for the last 10 days and right now, it's me. Joy. Anywho, Emily wants me to write 100 things about her but I can't think that hard this morning...although I will do 1. She farts ALL THE TIME! and 2. She really is SUPER DUPER funny! I'll do the rest later. So it's the most wonderful time of the year and I've already done 80% of my shopping throughout the year so, I'm totally ahead of the game and liking it. People are scrambling around trying to find what they're looking for or trying to decide WHAT they're looking for while I am smuggly enjoying browzin! I am always left with the kids stocking stuffers. I try to keep those gifts as random as possible (more fun that way; for me, not necessarily for them). And this time of year always reminds me of my experience in the Army... I remember the BEST christmas-time I ever had...I was in the Army and was desperately trying to get out. I knew

I HATE when Will is sick. But don't get me wrong...I love how he wants me to snuggle and hold him all day. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and without him...life just isnt worth it.

1. never sleep through the night. 2. can't stand when people wake up in a bad mood. 3. would live in my pajamas. 4. need coffee every morning, 3 sugars and creamer. 5. always got A's & B's, except for one stupid C. 6. started stealing my mom's cigarettes at 12. 7. ran away from home once. 8. was verbally abused by my dad. 9. was glad when my parents got divorced. 10. have never broken a bone, just tore tendons. 11. would never need a passport, don't want to travel outside the country. 12. would like to go to Hawaii someday. 13. don't know how to swim & don't like large bodies of water. 14. love a good book. 15. am a stay-at-home mom with my son who is awesome. 16. want to be a professional photographer. 17. can't wear socks to bed. 18. hate when people make fun of my laugh. 19. let things get under my skin. 20. can't stand it when my sister fidgits and adjusts. 21. have never read the Bible cover to cover. 22. have an associates degree in gen

So yesterday my hubby turned 38!! So I'm blogging 100 things about him... 1. he's a godly man 2. he never cusses 3. he likes his coffee black and lukewarm 4. he's a workaholic 5. saltaholic 6. he hates mushrooms, but he's a fun-guy :) 7. he can fix just about anything 8. he will do chores around the house 9. if he's watching tv it's either America's Funniest Videos, My Name is Earl or the History Channel 10. he's actually a really good singer 11. he's not a very good dancer however 12. he's a major motorhead 13. he doesn't like sports except Nascar 14. he has a bad memory 15. he is in great shape 16. he's a great dad 17. he LOVES music 18. the only instrument he can play is the radio 19. he hates the cold and has S.A.D. (seasonal adjustment disorder) 20. he would NEVER break the law 21. he can't stand people who never shut up 22. he puts everyone before himself 23. he can sew 24. he makes a mean burrito and macaroni & cheese 25

I have this friend who blogged about her term of endearment...hogface. The story goes there was a special kid calling everyone hogface...a guy told him that people don't really like to be called hogface...so the kid went back to the kids he called hogface and said..."I'm sorry. sorry. sorry. still friends. still friends, hogface." And it was totally out of love from him, ya know?! So I started thinking about what I call people... I probably call Will, my 4 year old, the most petnames. I call him anything from Babies to Stinky to Punk. It really depends on what he is doing at the time or why I am calling him. For instance, yesterday he yells "I'm DONE!" from the bathroom aka wipe my butt mawmaw...Stinky. Also, later yesterday I hear him terrorizing the cats and said stop it...Punk. Then lastnight after I got home late from church and he was supposed to be fast asleep; I went to tuck him in and said goodnight...Snugglebuns. Then there is my niece Maggie. S

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2U3PU-E32E I am totally obsessed with Kim Walker / Jesus Culture's "How He Loves Us" and "Where You Go I Go" worship songs. I've listened to them everyday for the last 4 days...over and over again. I feel God move when I listen to them. I feel filled up with the Lord watching her sing them. She is SO talented. I love her voice. God has tOtAlly blessed her with this amazing sound...fo real. In listening to it, I have been made aware that music is a HUGE part of my life and it feeds my soul. I listen to music A LOT at times when I'm happy, sad, mad, bored, or excited. I listen to music when I miss someone, when I love someone, when I spend time with someone. I also love to sInG!! I'm ok--->not great, but ok. I sing in the car, in the shower, to myself in public. I love to get closer to God and learn more about Him through worship music. I love to put it on our stereo, in the morning, rEally lOuD and just belt it out!

When I got radioactive iodine for the cancer I got, I had to be quaratined in a hotel for a week. I learned that I don't like being alone. But anyway... That first night I got really sick. I was spewing stuff from both ends and in so much pain. It was horrible because I couldn't really go anywhere and all I could do was go through it. But I was worried because I didn't know how long the spewing would last...all week??!! Surely not!! And I was thinking about giving birth and how that was painful but it's over in like 24 hours... So I called my bestest friend from church, Pam, and she was awake (it was like 1 am) and said, "I wondered why I woke up?? Now I know." She prayed with me and I went to lay down. I couldn't sleep for all the pain but I was like put into a trance... I felt like I was being rocked to sleep by Jesus. I kept humming "Jesus loves me. This I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him, belong. They are weak, but He is stron

So...I was a TOTAL brat leading up to my birthday. I spent my birthday eve IMing my sister and friend all sorts of crappy stuff about how nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go eat worms. Long, thin, slimy ones. Short, fat, juicy ones. Itsy bitsy fuzzy wuzzy worms. WOAH! Anyway, both of them were trying to make me feel better and saying the nicest things. But my sister did have some very wise words: "Why don't you wait til your actual birthday before you get pissed at your husband for not making it special?!" Good point. But I was totally sad, not just because I thought no one cared about me, but also because I was like mourning my youth or something. I was thinking about the past year and getting cancer (which causes a lifetime of follow-up appointments and multiple check-ups) and how I was just now turning 30 and wondering what else was in store?? Too late for illness, check. Too late for the "surprise" child (14 y.o.), check. Too late for...

My husband said he got me a garage door opener for my 30th birthday that's saturday. I'm just sayin.

So I got to spend another day fighting tooth and nail for the power with my 4 year old, Will. It's like he just thinks he can do whatever, whenever he wants. I'll just call his name, and I know he can hear me, and he just doesn't answer me. I seriously have to get loud for him to acknowledge me. And then he says things back to me like "it's not nice to yell mawmaw" or "I'm not your friend anymore." What the hell do I say to that?! Usually I say something sarcastic like "big shocker" but how is that helpful?? Its not and I know it but its hard trying to teach him a lesson while I'm exhausted and brain dead. Especially after going at it with him day in and day out, and my husband hasn't been home a lot with his new job...so its just me. Even when I ask him who the boss is...he says me but then that doesn't mean anything to him, apparently. And he is obsessed with Playstation right now. He can literally play it for hours and

Went to the dentist AGAIN today. Except I took my sick kids to the chiropractor first. Then went to 1 of 2 stores for groceries. Stopped off and had me a lil DQ before movin' on down the road to, what I was sure was gonna keep me from chewing anything harder than a grape for awhile. YEP! I was right. Dentist came in, looked in my mouth, clinked on my tooth with the end of his metal scraper thingy (which sends a shot of pain, so severe, to my nether regions, that I want to hurl) and said I, not only have a clogged salivary gland, (which I knew could get clogged because of the cancer treatment I received in May did the same thing) but that my tooth "was in trouble." He was pondering the x-ray like he discovered a fossil in there and says ok...I just don't understand why this hurts so much. So, I either have to pull it or do a root canal. AGAIN?! Not for another $1400 or whatever the hell it was!! So he pulled it. And it hurt. And I didn't like it. And I now have 3 m

I started reading a chapter a day in deep religious books in the morning instead of doing a daily devotion. I started with Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer, then read Jesus Wants to Save Christians by Rob Bell (too deep for me) and I am now onto Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I realized I need something with a little more to it than just the little paragraphs in my favorite devotions book: Keeping God in the Small Stuff by Bruce & Stan; which is really good though. I read near the end of chapter 3 of Crazy Love yesterday: "Do you believe that God is the greatest thing you can experience in the whole world? Are we in love with God or just His stuff? Do you love this God, who is everything, or do you just love everything He gives you? Hmmmm.....

I never thought before about people who are chronically sick. If I personally wasn't sick then...who cares. But now that I'm sick all the time...I feel so bad for sick people! Those people and CHILDREN who are always in and out of hospitals and clinics and ERs and on and off medications and up and down and up and down... Since getting cancer I've actually had the thought of "now I'll get sympathy" like it was a good thing. Except I don't want sympathy...I want to NOT be sick. I'm missing out on parts of my life! Just now, my sister dropped me off after riding with her to the bank and picking a book up at the library...what was that? Only like an hour!! And I was too dizzy, nauseated and sick to go about the rest of the errands. So, she drives away with my son to go play and I come inside and fall apart. I cry because I feel helpless and pissed off. Isn't there SOMETHING that I can take to make me feel better?! Isn't there SOMETHING my doctor ca

This is a post that is NOT DEEP. I'm drinking my 4th drink if that tells you anything... I'm just gonna blog about my day. So this morning I decided that I don't like other people's kids (while working in the nursery at church.) I feel mean saying that but it's true. There are FEW children that I do like. I like my own...my niece...my closest friend's kids like the Lukey Goodness...but...kids are bratty, dirty and demanding in ways I'm not used to. I'm used to my own bratty, dirty, demanding kids. Anyway that was the thought I had this morning...then I came home to a clean house. While I was at the church my hubby did all my "chores" and cleaned up. Love him! But because I had a flamin' headache and haven't slept in 2 nights I was kinda bitchy to him anyway. He went to start lunch and when he told me he was making something I didn't really want, I smarted off. I told him I'd remember that the next time I made lunch (whi

So I went to the dentist AGAIN today and read a magazine in the waiting room. There was an article about a couple who had grown apart over the years and didn't know how it happened. The woman was repeatedly telling her husband that she felt unimportant . She explained how she never did anything for herself and hadn't done some things that she enjoyed doing since before her and her husband were married. She asked her kids what mommy did the most and they said, "the laundry." (not exactly a legacy!) Then the woman went on to explain how she blamed her husband for her unhappiness. The expert gave a detailed response, but the one thing she said that really stood out to me was how the woman was unhappy because the woman was unhappy ... it really didn't have anything to do with him. She no longer did the things she had liked to do. What did she expect?! When her and her husband were dating she was spontaneous and exciting and the two of them explored things together. No

So, I feel, since having my son, I have come full circle. I'm talking about understanding my mom more now that I have my own children. Lastnight, I was feeling an awesome feeling of calm washing over me and I realized that I was doing something my mom did a lot when we were growing up. Of course, at the time I didn't fully understand WHY my mom did these things but its all starting to come together. Lastnight, while my little Cinderelly did the dinner dishes, I just sat my bum on the couch and read my book and I was transported back to that yellow 2-story on ANY given night, really, and there was my mom doing the same exact thing. I always wondered why she never "did" anything "fun" after work. Now I know...who has ANY energy after working a full day?! AND THEN YOU WORK MORE WHEN YOU GET HOME! (which i NEVER thought she did!) What was I thinking?! Vegging-out on the couch is about the only thing one can do after being used and abused all day, where one is at