Talking Out My Yipper

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2U3PU-E32E I am totally obsessed with Kim Walker / Jesus Culture's "How He Loves Us" and "Where You Go I Go" worship songs. I've listened to them everyday for the last 4 days...over and over again. I feel God move when I listen to them. I feel filled up with the Lord watching her sing them. She is SO talented. I love her voice. God has tOtAlly blessed her with this amazing sound...fo real. In listening to it, I have been made aware that music is a HUGE part of my life and it feeds my soul. I listen to music A LOT at times when I'm happy, sad, mad, bored, or excited. I listen to music when I miss someone, when I love someone, when I spend time with someone. I also love to sInG!! I'm ok--->not great, but ok. I sing in the car, in the shower, to myself in public. I love to get closer to God and learn more about Him through worship music. I love to put it on our stereo, in the morning, rEally lOuD and just belt it out! ...

When I got radioactive iodine for the cancer I got, I had to be quaratined in a hotel for a week. I learned that I don't like being alone. But anyway... That first night I got really sick. I was spewing stuff from both ends and in so much pain. It was horrible because I couldn't really go anywhere and all I could do was go through it. But I was worried because I didn't know how long the spewing would last...all week??!! Surely not!! And I was thinking about giving birth and how that was painful but it's over in like 24 hours... So I called my bestest friend from church, Pam, and she was awake (it was like 1 am) and said, "I wondered why I woke up?? Now I know." She prayed with me and I went to lay down. I couldn't sleep for all the pain but I was like put into a trance... I felt like I was being rocked to sleep by Jesus. I kept humming "Jesus loves me. This I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him, belong. They are weak, but He is stron...

So...I was a TOTAL brat leading up to my birthday. I spent my birthday eve IMing my sister and friend all sorts of crappy stuff about how nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go eat worms. Long, thin, slimy ones. Short, fat, juicy ones. Itsy bitsy fuzzy wuzzy worms. WOAH! Anyway, both of them were trying to make me feel better and saying the nicest things. But my sister did have some very wise words: "Why don't you wait til your actual birthday before you get pissed at your husband for not making it special?!" Good point. But I was totally sad, not just because I thought no one cared about me, but also because I was like mourning my youth or something. I was thinking about the past year and getting cancer (which causes a lifetime of follow-up appointments and multiple check-ups) and how I was just now turning 30 and wondering what else was in store?? Too late for illness, check. Too late for the "surprise" child (14 y.o.), check. Too late for......

My husband said he got me a garage door opener for my 30th birthday that's saturday. I'm just sayin.

So I got to spend another day fighting tooth and nail for the power with my 4 year old, Will. It's like he just thinks he can do whatever, whenever he wants. I'll just call his name, and I know he can hear me, and he just doesn't answer me. I seriously have to get loud for him to acknowledge me. And then he says things back to me like "it's not nice to yell mawmaw" or "I'm not your friend anymore." What the hell do I say to that?! Usually I say something sarcastic like "big shocker" but how is that helpful?? Its not and I know it but its hard trying to teach him a lesson while I'm exhausted and brain dead. Especially after going at it with him day in and day out, and my husband hasn't been home a lot with his new job...so its just me. Even when I ask him who the boss is...he says me but then that doesn't mean anything to him, apparently. And he is obsessed with Playstation right now. He can literally play it for hours and ...

Went to the dentist AGAIN today. Except I took my sick kids to the chiropractor first. Then went to 1 of 2 stores for groceries. Stopped off and had me a lil DQ before movin' on down the road to, what I was sure was gonna keep me from chewing anything harder than a grape for awhile. YEP! I was right. Dentist came in, looked in my mouth, clinked on my tooth with the end of his metal scraper thingy (which sends a shot of pain, so severe, to my nether regions, that I want to hurl) and said I, not only have a clogged salivary gland, (which I knew could get clogged because of the cancer treatment I received in May did the same thing) but that my tooth "was in trouble." He was pondering the x-ray like he discovered a fossil in there and says ok...I just don't understand why this hurts so much. So, I either have to pull it or do a root canal. AGAIN?! Not for another $1400 or whatever the hell it was!! So he pulled it. And it hurt. And I didn't like it. And I now have 3 m...

I started reading a chapter a day in deep religious books in the morning instead of doing a daily devotion. I started with Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer, then read Jesus Wants to Save Christians by Rob Bell (too deep for me) and I am now onto Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I realized I need something with a little more to it than just the little paragraphs in my favorite devotions book: Keeping God in the Small Stuff by Bruce & Stan; which is really good though. I read near the end of chapter 3 of Crazy Love yesterday: "Do you believe that God is the greatest thing you can experience in the whole world? Are we in love with God or just His stuff? Do you love this God, who is everything, or do you just love everything He gives you? Hmmmm.....

I never thought before about people who are chronically sick. If I personally wasn't sick then...who cares. But now that I'm sick all the time...I feel so bad for sick people! Those people and CHILDREN who are always in and out of hospitals and clinics and ERs and on and off medications and up and down and up and down... Since getting cancer I've actually had the thought of "now I'll get sympathy" like it was a good thing. Except I don't want sympathy...I want to NOT be sick. I'm missing out on parts of my life! Just now, my sister dropped me off after riding with her to the bank and picking a book up at the library...what was that? Only like an hour!! And I was too dizzy, nauseated and sick to go about the rest of the errands. So, she drives away with my son to go play and I come inside and fall apart. I cry because I feel helpless and pissed off. Isn't there SOMETHING that I can take to make me feel better?! Isn't there SOMETHING my doctor ca...

This is a post that is NOT DEEP. I'm drinking my 4th drink if that tells you anything... I'm just gonna blog about my day. So this morning I decided that I don't like other people's kids (while working in the nursery at church.) I feel mean saying that but it's true. There are FEW children that I do like. I like my own...my niece...my closest friend's kids like the Lukey Goodness...but...kids are bratty, dirty and demanding in ways I'm not used to. I'm used to my own bratty, dirty, demanding kids. Anyway that was the thought I had this morning...then I came home to a clean house. While I was at the church my hubby did all my "chores" and cleaned up. Love him! But because I had a flamin' headache and haven't slept in 2 nights I was kinda bitchy to him anyway. He went to start lunch and when he told me he was making something I didn't really want, I smarted off. I told him I'd remember that the next time I made lunch (whi...