I never thought before about people who are chronically sick. If I personally wasn't sick then...who cares. But now that I'm sick all the time...I feel so bad for sick people! Those people and CHILDREN who are always in and out of hospitals and clinics and ERs and on and off medications and up and down and up and down...
Since getting cancer I've actually had the thought of "now I'll get sympathy" like it was a good thing. Except I don't want sympathy...I want to NOT be sick. I'm missing out on parts of my life! Just now, my sister dropped me off after riding with her to the bank and picking a book up at the library...what was that? Only like an hour!! And I was too dizzy, nauseated and sick to go about the rest of the errands. So, she drives away with my son to go play and I come inside and fall apart. I cry because I feel helpless and pissed off. Isn't there SOMETHING that I can take to make me feel better?! Isn't there SOMETHING my doctor can do?!
I'm either stroking out and can't function or my levels are so low that I'm half asleep and can't function. What gives!!!!!!!! Isn't there a happy medium?! I never got upset/sad when the biopsy results came back malignant...now I know why...I've been plenty upset since then! I thought finding out you had cancer was the hard part; but, actually, LIVING WITH a sickness is the hard part...the constant changes in your body is the hard part...trying to go on is the hard part. That doctor, Kavorkian, the suicide-helper dude wasn't all that crazy!! I can understand those people who have lived with this shit for YEARS and just can't anymore. I'm not saying I'm gonna kill myself or anything but dammit I HATE THIS right now and if everyday was this way...I might reconsider.
And tonight I'm supposed to start a study group at church that I changed things around in order to be able to go...and I can't frickin go anyway! I can't DRIVE there. I can't SIT there. I can't do anything like this. I couldn't cook lastnight. I couldn't take my kid to school. I couldn't grocery shop today. I barely made it throught taking a shower...with multiple breaks to sit down. I cry and get upset and it gets worse. The doctors don't have any answers. I pray and I know He's listening but I'm not getting immediate relief! Laying on my back in bed looking straight ahead and not moving (including not moving my eyes...so reading is out of the question) is the only thing that helps, and only a little bit. Even sitting here typing is taking forever because I keep making mistakes and seeing double...but I had to vent.
I wanna know Why? I wanna know When? I'll feel better. I want hope. I want to feel better here...I know I'll feel better in heaven...but what do I do in the mean time?
Since getting cancer I've actually had the thought of "now I'll get sympathy" like it was a good thing. Except I don't want sympathy...I want to NOT be sick. I'm missing out on parts of my life! Just now, my sister dropped me off after riding with her to the bank and picking a book up at the library...what was that? Only like an hour!! And I was too dizzy, nauseated and sick to go about the rest of the errands. So, she drives away with my son to go play and I come inside and fall apart. I cry because I feel helpless and pissed off. Isn't there SOMETHING that I can take to make me feel better?! Isn't there SOMETHING my doctor can do?!
I'm either stroking out and can't function or my levels are so low that I'm half asleep and can't function. What gives!!!!!!!! Isn't there a happy medium?! I never got upset/sad when the biopsy results came back malignant...now I know why...I've been plenty upset since then! I thought finding out you had cancer was the hard part; but, actually, LIVING WITH a sickness is the hard part...the constant changes in your body is the hard part...trying to go on is the hard part. That doctor, Kavorkian, the suicide-helper dude wasn't all that crazy!! I can understand those people who have lived with this shit for YEARS and just can't anymore. I'm not saying I'm gonna kill myself or anything but dammit I HATE THIS right now and if everyday was this way...I might reconsider.
And tonight I'm supposed to start a study group at church that I changed things around in order to be able to go...and I can't frickin go anyway! I can't DRIVE there. I can't SIT there. I can't do anything like this. I couldn't cook lastnight. I couldn't take my kid to school. I couldn't grocery shop today. I barely made it throught taking a shower...with multiple breaks to sit down. I cry and get upset and it gets worse. The doctors don't have any answers. I pray and I know He's listening but I'm not getting immediate relief! Laying on my back in bed looking straight ahead and not moving (including not moving my eyes...so reading is out of the question) is the only thing that helps, and only a little bit. Even sitting here typing is taking forever because I keep making mistakes and seeing double...but I had to vent.
I wanna know Why? I wanna know When? I'll feel better. I want hope. I want to feel better here...I know I'll feel better in heaven...but what do I do in the mean time?
Oh Jenj, :( I don't know what to say, only thing I know is chronic pain can get to you some days worse than others. Venting is good!
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