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Sometimes the Only Thing I Can Do is Cry

So Im writing about how pathetic my life is and how sad I am...and the post just disappears. Like I wasnt supposed to post that. So now what? I feel Im allowed to vent here but maybe this blog isnt for me but for others. Do I bitch about my life and situation b/c others will see how good they have it? Do I just let the verbal diarrhea flow and see what happens? But right now Im extremely sad... All I feel I can do is sit here and cry. You would think that getting CANCER would be rock bottom; but, no...things can always get worse. Most days Im numb to the heartache but now today Im overwhelmed with the heartache and HAVE to let it out. Just today the bank that handles our re-poed van calls and says that the van was sold at auction yesterday and they now have the final amount we owe in full, which is $11,000. Then, also yesterday, I go to the dentist b/c my husband is switching jobs and we wont have insurance for 90 days and I wanted to get all our teeth cleaned b4 our insurance runs out...which is really good coverage. But also, Ive been having massive headaches and toothaches that have gotten significantly worse over the last 6 months...which the dentist said is b/c the cancer treatments I received in May take dental decay to a whole new level. He said he was surprised I was carrying on with my everyday activities with this tooth being so bad. Now, I didnt complain about it to my husband b/c in the last few months he's asked me numerous times "is all you're ever gonna do is complain?!" So I stopped. Now that my pain is to the point of no return...I go to the dentist...get an estimate (which we can technically afford the deposit) and my husband goes all a-hole on me. He's treating me like DUH. WE DONT HAVE THE MONEY SO U DONT GET THEM FIXED. Like thats just it then. The financial lady said they would work with us b/c they know our situation and see how much pain I'm in. Now how can a STRANGER have more love and compassion for me than my OWN HUSBAND!!! I understand that we dont have the TOTAL amount due but we didnt have cash for our house or truck either but somethings are necessary. I dont get it.
Just today with my morning devotions the scripture was 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." My thoughts are first on the part "beyond what you can bear" and second on " a way out." Ive been thinking about this all day. Ive come to the conclusion that this whole mess is not to see WHEN I will break but HOW... Will I stand firm in my faith and declare victory in this blessed life of mine Because God is faithful and He loves me?? Or will I cry a lot and wonder why, God WHY am I going through all this...FOR WHAT?? Im so SICK of this!!! I love Will too much to do anything stupid but sometimes I just want this life to end, go up to heaven and like, I dont know, have a Jack-a-dew with Jesus.

Comments

  1. KenjLovesSweatshirtsOctober 1, 2009 at 1:26 PM

    Jesus and Jack-a-Dew...now that would be an interesting day! Sounds like my kinda shindig!

    ReplyDelete

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