Skip to main content

Sometimes the Only Thing I Can Do is Cry

So Im writing about how pathetic my life is and how sad I am...and the post just disappears. Like I wasnt supposed to post that. So now what? I feel Im allowed to vent here but maybe this blog isnt for me but for others. Do I bitch about my life and situation b/c others will see how good they have it? Do I just let the verbal diarrhea flow and see what happens? But right now Im extremely sad... All I feel I can do is sit here and cry. You would think that getting CANCER would be rock bottom; but, no...things can always get worse. Most days Im numb to the heartache but now today Im overwhelmed with the heartache and HAVE to let it out. Just today the bank that handles our re-poed van calls and says that the van was sold at auction yesterday and they now have the final amount we owe in full, which is $11,000. Then, also yesterday, I go to the dentist b/c my husband is switching jobs and we wont have insurance for 90 days and I wanted to get all our teeth cleaned b4 our insurance runs out...which is really good coverage. But also, Ive been having massive headaches and toothaches that have gotten significantly worse over the last 6 months...which the dentist said is b/c the cancer treatments I received in May take dental decay to a whole new level. He said he was surprised I was carrying on with my everyday activities with this tooth being so bad. Now, I didnt complain about it to my husband b/c in the last few months he's asked me numerous times "is all you're ever gonna do is complain?!" So I stopped. Now that my pain is to the point of no return...I go to the dentist...get an estimate (which we can technically afford the deposit) and my husband goes all a-hole on me. He's treating me like DUH. WE DONT HAVE THE MONEY SO U DONT GET THEM FIXED. Like thats just it then. The financial lady said they would work with us b/c they know our situation and see how much pain I'm in. Now how can a STRANGER have more love and compassion for me than my OWN HUSBAND!!! I understand that we dont have the TOTAL amount due but we didnt have cash for our house or truck either but somethings are necessary. I dont get it.
Just today with my morning devotions the scripture was 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." My thoughts are first on the part "beyond what you can bear" and second on " a way out." Ive been thinking about this all day. Ive come to the conclusion that this whole mess is not to see WHEN I will break but HOW... Will I stand firm in my faith and declare victory in this blessed life of mine Because God is faithful and He loves me?? Or will I cry a lot and wonder why, God WHY am I going through all this...FOR WHAT?? Im so SICK of this!!! I love Will too much to do anything stupid but sometimes I just want this life to end, go up to heaven and like, I dont know, have a Jack-a-dew with Jesus.

Comments

  1. KenjLovesSweatshirtsOctober 1, 2009 at 1:26 PM

    Jesus and Jack-a-Dew...now that would be an interesting day! Sounds like my kinda shindig!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Granny

The little things, you do to me, are Taking me over, I wanna show ya Everything inside of me is Like a nervous heart, that, is crazy beatin My feet are stuck here, against the pavement I wanna break free, I want you to make it Closer to your eyes, get your attention Before you pass me by Back up, back up Take another chance Don’t you mess up, mess up I don’t wanna lose you Wake up, wake up This aint just a thing that you Give up, give up Don’t you say that I’d be Better off, better off Sittin by myself and wonderin If I'm better off, better off, without you, no Please don't leave me hanging on... And every time you notice me Holdin it closely and sayin sweet things I don't believe it, that it could be You speakin your mind and sayin the real things My feet wanna break free, and I should be leavin I'm not gonna stand here, watchin you losin But I won't forget you So don't make me think this Was just a waste of time So back up, back up Take another chance Don’t y...
1 comment
Read more

My Husband

So yesterday my hubby turned 38!! So I'm blogging 100 things about him... 1. he's a godly man 2. he never cusses 3. he likes his coffee black and lukewarm 4. he's a workaholic 5. saltaholic 6. he hates mushrooms, but he's a fun-guy :) 7. he can fix just about anything 8. he will do chores around the house 9. if he's watching tv it's either America's Funniest Videos, My Name is Earl or the History Channel 10. he's actually a really good singer 11. he's not a very good dancer however 12. he's a major motorhead 13. he doesn't like sports except Nascar 14. he has a bad memory 15. he is in great shape 16. he's a great dad 17. he LOVES music 18. the only instrument he can play is the radio 19. he hates the cold and has S.A.D. (seasonal adjustment disorder) 20. he would NEVER break the law 21. he can't stand people who never shut up 22. he puts everyone before himself 23. he can sew 24. he makes a mean burrito and macaroni & cheese 25...
2 comments
Read more

Drugs

I'm pretty proud of myself. At one point, in 2009, when I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was on 20 (like 2-0 as in TWENTY) medications. As of this morning, I officially take 3 - two of which are because I no longer have a thyroid so those will never go away. I'm workin on that last one... in July I had a pretty bad mental breakdown -ish where I just couldn't do life the way it was anymore. I had gone sober on New Year's Day, making that decision while nursing a massive hangover. Sobriety brought a small jewelry business as well as mental clarity which led to July. There had to be more to life than that.  I am currently seeing 2 counselors - one with the hubs & one solo. My eyes have been opened! I have co-dependency issues among other things but when you know better you do better! My life & my view of it has changed exponentially... for the better. It's so hard but it's for the better. Looking at yourself closely is never easy but I can say with cert...
Post a Comment
Read more