Thankful to NOT be in the Army! (part 1)

I haven't blogged in 4EVER b/c someone has been sick in this house for the last 10 days and right now, it's me. Joy. Anywho, Emily wants me to write 100 things about her but I can't think that hard this morning...although I will do 1. She farts ALL THE TIME! and 2. She really is SUPER DUPER funny! I'll do the rest later.
So it's the most wonderful time of the year and I've already done 80% of my shopping throughout the year so, I'm totally ahead of the game and liking it. People are scrambling around trying to find what they're looking for or trying to decide WHAT they're looking for while I am smuggly enjoying browzin! I am always left with the kids stocking stuffers. I try to keep those gifts as random as possible (more fun that way; for me, not necessarily for them). And this time of year always reminds me of my experience in the Army...
I remember the BEST christmas-time I ever had...I was in the Army and was desperately trying to get out. I knew I would eventually but wanted to be able to STAY home when I went home on Christmas leave. But, I would have to return to Ft. Gordon after Christmas until I could get discharged on Jan. 10th...stupid I know. But, still, I KNEW I WAS COMING HOME SOON, FOR GOOD LIKE! I don't remember much from that actual Christmas holiday...I just remember being with family and friends and feelin' the love. I can't even remember anything I got that year and I like that part. I really experienced Christmas for what it is...not for what I would get, ya know?! But I was still sad when I had to get up, go to the airport and fly away b/c I hated the stinkin' Army. It sucked. It was lame. It's depressing for me to even think about. But here goes...

Basic training was, by far, the best part of my whole experience. It didn't start there tho...so let's just start from the beginning shall we??

I had to lose weight before I could even get into the Army, which should have been a sign NOT TO GO IN but I learn everything the hard way so, I starved myself and ran myself into oblivion in order to make weight and JUST BARELY. So, when it was time to leave I wasn't as sad as I became as time went on. I had high hopes for a minute that this was what God wanted me to do so I was blinded by that retarded thought. Anywho, I flew out of O'Hare and hopped a bus in Missouri (said "Misery") and what should have been an hour bus ride turned into like 6 hours of pure hell, fire and brimstone. There was an accident on the freeway and we were literally stopped for over 5 hours. The bus was full of recruits headed to Ft. Leonard Wood and also, apparently, full of shit b/c at one point we ran out of toilet paper oh, and we ran out of water too. We watched a movie for the 3rd time and I remember seeing the flashing lights up ahead and feeling the doom. I think that is the point where I realized I had made a ginormous mistake.

So, we arrive at the base at like 2 or 3 in the morning (way overdue) but, the drill sargeants were still awake enough to give us a welcoming hello. One of them got on the bus and screamed "You have 10 seconds to get your worthless asses off this bus, get your bags and line up. Now you have 8. MOVE!" Well, thats a fine how-do-you-do! Even in my sleepy state, I thought it was rather humorous. I laughed A LOT at what the Ds (drill sargeants) came up with and said; which, laughing, is usually what got me smoked (where you have to "drop and give them 20").
I ended up failing my physical test when I arrived at the base. You had to run a mile in so many minutes and do so many sit-ups and push-ups in order to GET INTO basic training; once you arrive there. But you see, we had to get our shots and exams and stuff first, which left me with this HUGE lump in my ass cheek that made it very hard to sleep or march, let alone run. AND we got like a total of 6 hours of sleep in 3 days...THEN we were supposed to do our physical tests. They really set a person up for success. Anywho, I got this super bitchy Ds that was watching and counting my sit-ups and push-ups. They would stand over you with their stop watches and watch and count OUT LOUD and if you weren't going down far enough or coming up far enough then they would just repeat 8...8...8... When really you were at like 11. So anyway, this Ds was NOT counting AT ALL. I was, in my head and had by-passed the amount of sit-ups needed but when the time stopped she yelled, "FAIL!" At that, a person was to make their way out of the building and get in the "other line" to have the paperwork filled out that stated you failed...I didn't know what was going to happen?! I still had to run the mile but I just trotted along, very pissed off and hating the injustice of it all. When I crossed the finish line I was put in a truck with some other failures and driven away to our holding barracks. We got our gear and was taken to FTU...Fitness Training Unit...better known as the Fat, Tired and Useless Camp. This was a place where failures did pt (physical training) round the clock. All everyone did was run, do sit-ups and push-ups, eat, shower, sleep, repeat. Everyday. Once a week we were retested and passers went to basic and failures stayed for another week. I did pass that next retest but was kept at FTU for lack of a space for me at one of the many basic battalions. So I had to wait and do pt for another week. That sucked and again I was pissed and reeling at the injustice of it all. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER ARMY! FOR THE LOVE OF! Did I mention that us pigs had to stay in hog barns?? Oh, yeah. At this point I think I might have called home maybe 3 times in 3 weeks. So one day, in broad daylight, I snuck out of the hogbarn barracks and ran to a pay phone and called home. I was feeling like running away and going AWOL (Abscent with out leave) and not caring of the consequences. But thankfully, my sister and mom talked to me and comforted me and I left for basic the next afternoon. Still, thus far, my experience in the military wasn't all it was cracked up to be.