At first, I sat there feeling distracted by the roofers next door and the traffic of the city. I constantly wondered if I was "doing it right." It feels wrong, like a waste of time. I'm trusting that this is what I need but I'm not sure how this is gonna play out. I know that "quiet time" feels like something my soul has been needing so I've been doing a tiny bit, here and there. Nothing like the 2 hours a day that's been assigned. I don't think one can "dig deep" in just 5 minutes a day of sitting with oneself. Maybe the longer lengths of time was what I was missing. I don't know. I do know that I'm scared to do it, scared I'll "fail" or not "do it good enough" or that it simply won't work. Apparently, this time is a way of becoming self aware, processing the suffering I have endured, which ultimately leads to my "North Star" which is my life's purpose, meaning and fulfillment. Sounds glorious but my impatience is wanting that knowledge now. I have always looked for the smarter-not-harder way. If there was a shortcut, I took it. If there was an easier way, I did it. If I could avoid the difficult, I did. And I worked hard until I succeeded, or simply just quit. There is no in between for me. I know some of that was a trauma response and a coping mechanism but when do those things become a problem? Anywho, during the "Sitting with Myself," I am not to do anything else but just actively sit there. I looked at the clock for the first time and only 5 minutes had lapsed. Ugh. Then 12 minutes had gone by. Then 20. And on and on it went. I did finally set the timer because I started to focus on if I should or shouldn't look at the clock. Eventually, after 35 minutes had passed, I set the timer. I started to imagine what the title of my New York Times Best Seller would be. Huh? I mean, people tell me all the time that I'm an excellent, entertaining writer but I never had the ambition or desire to write a book. Curiouser and curiouser. Oh, and the titles were shocking, of course, like the book that just came out titled "I'm Glad My Mom Died." And then eventually I started going over my business to-do list. First, I need to get orders out. Second, I need to post an update on social media, no, on my website. Yes, that's better. One of my goals is to transition more to my website than social media. I want people to interact with me there and not mostly on Facebook. Social media, for me, is a social validation issue. I am constantly looking for approval and praise. I count the likes, shares, comments and I "typically reply within the hour," or so the app informs me. That eventually leads to endless scrolling for long periods of time and a constant changing of my inner compass or something like that. Like maybe today I should change my tactics or maybe if I just posted more or maybe maybe maybe. It's like a constant battle of expectations dashed, second guessing myself, ultimately leading to not feeling good enough due to the comparisons that take over. I need a break. I often look over my business and decide what isn't feeling the greatest and change it. Social media isn't feeling the greatest right now so I'm going to post 1-2 times a day, scheduled in advance, and hope and pray that the orders still come in on my website. It feels very dramatic like this could make or break my business but I've felt this way before about things and they worked out. So, I'm going to do it afraid anyway. Ok, and plus, I am supposed to also be on a "Pleasure Fast" anyway so scrolling social media endlessly, although it starts out giving me pleasure, eventually, closing the app feeling guilt, shame, confusion, and an all around negative vibe. I just can't. So, I will be a little absent on Facebook for awhile seeking inner validation which scares the fucking shit out of me. What if I don't like what I see? What if this tanks my small business?
So, my hour was spent listening to distracting sounds, imaging weird visions of the future author in me and my small business to-do and check lists. Maybe I am supposed to do the 2 hours in one sitting. Maybe the second hour is when all the amazing revelations happen. Maybe I'll try that tomorrow.
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