Talking Out My Yipper

 I own a small, predominantly online handcrafted jewelry business. I have been in business 3 years, 5 months & 2 days - exactly the same amount of time that I've been sober because I am an alcoholic. I'd like to think my success in both of those areas are directly linked. I stay sober by making jewelry. Successfully selling jewelry keeps me from drinking. But what if sales decrease or straight up end? Would I drink again? I drop new jewelry on my website every Friday at 9am est. It is 11:30 and I have zero sales. In all the years in business, that has NEVER happened on a drop day. It's depressing. I've watched sales steadily decline over the past few months, often daydreaming about the what if's and the why's. Is it our declining economy? Is it crappy designs? It is me? Recently it was brought to my attention that I offended and upset one of my long-time, consistently supportive customers. I noticed that she hadn't placed an order in several weeks. I was...

Today I decided to do the 2 hours together. I'm not sure that was super helpful. I feel like I just slept the last half hour/45 minutes anyway... even snoring/snorting myself awake a couple times.  I did take Xanax and hemp oil after the first hour so maybe that had something to do with it. So the first hour was more productive for sure. What kept drawing my attention was the sexual assault I endured at 12 or 13 years old... I know for sure that by 8th grade it had already happened because the bullying about it started during that school year. I was at the house party of an older male friend with my childhood best friend and I believe (I will just state the facts as I remember, from my point of view) we were the only 2 girls there. We were with Brian S, Brian H, Steve S, Cole G and I think that was it. We were playing some sort of game in the living room that turned into a drinking game possibly even a strip poker type of situation. There are flashes of memory after that: the hall ...

 At first, I sat there feeling distracted by the roofers next door and the traffic of the city. I constantly wondered if I was "doing it right." It feels wrong, like a waste of time. I'm trusting that this is what I need but I'm not sure how this is gonna play out. I know that "quiet time" feels like something my soul has been needing so I've been doing a tiny bit, here and there. Nothing like the 2 hours a day that's been assigned. I don't think one can "dig deep" in just 5 minutes a day of sitting with oneself. Maybe the longer lengths of time was what I was missing. I don't know. I do know that I'm scared to do it, scared I'll "fail" or not "do it good enough" or that it simply won't work. Apparently, this time is a way of becoming self aware, processing the suffering I have endured, which ultimately leads to my "North Star" which is my life's purpose, meaning and fulfillment. Sounds ...

I'm pretty proud of myself. At one point, in 2009, when I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was on 20 (like 2-0 as in TWENTY) medications. As of this morning, I officially take 3 - two of which are because I no longer have a thyroid so those will never go away. I'm workin on that last one... in July I had a pretty bad mental breakdown -ish where I just couldn't do life the way it was anymore. I had gone sober on New Year's Day, making that decision while nursing a massive hangover. Sobriety brought a small jewelry business as well as mental clarity which led to July. There had to be more to life than that.  I am currently seeing 2 counselors - one with the hubs & one solo. My eyes have been opened! I have co-dependency issues among other things but when you know better you do better! My life & my view of it has changed exponentially... for the better. It's so hard but it's for the better. Looking at yourself closely is never easy but I can say with cert...

I lit the match and set my old life ablaze. I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm unfamiliar. But I did it. I did it for survival - all while screaming "IT HAS *GOT* TO BE BETTER THAN THIS! THERE HAS TO BE MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS!"  Now I feel some confusion because this is a road untraveled. This is a road where you have to drive on the left. I have no experience with this. I'm still scared. I'm still angry but yet, it's different. It's different because life as I knew it is gone. There's been a paradigm shift in my world. I can't go back. I can't unlearn what I know now.  As I meditate I see a version of myself I've never seen before. She is strong, empowered with a powerful and "take no shit" stance. She is emboldened. She doesn't care what other people think; in fact, she isn't even looking at them. Her eyes are closed and she's protected, standing in a barren white, cracked desert. She is wearing white but wrapped in ...

RE-BRANDING A BUSINESS IS HAAAARRRDDD (said in a very whiny voice.) I like to think I am a graphic designer but, as I learned yesterday, I am not. You don't just say you want your business name to be "The Clock Tower" and it just magically happens. You have to check AVAILABILITY people: facebook, instagram, etsy, domains, blah blah blah, snore snore snore. You have to pick based on AVAILABILITY PEOPLE! My business name HAD to have meaning... that was the part I really cared about. Connecting my business name to my childhood is my new favorite. I'm using a lot of caps. I'll stop and get to THE GOOD STUFF. As you can tell, my brain is fried from learning a new program to design stuffandthings (one word. I use it often. Nope. Not a typo.) for my real job while creating for my photography/jewelry business logo. I put those hands together. Also, I didn't do it alone. Actually, I didn't do most of it. Brian Ruch is the real hero. He went to school for graphic ...