Talking Out My Yipper

Today I decided to do the 2 hours together. I'm not sure that was super helpful. I feel like I just slept the last half hour/45 minutes anyway... even snoring/snorting myself awake a couple times.  I did take Xanax and hemp oil after the first hour so maybe that had something to do with it. So the first hour was more productive for sure. What kept drawing my attention was the sexual assault I endured at 12 or 13 years old... I know for sure that by 8th grade it had already happened because the bullying about it started during that school year. I was at the house party of an older male friend with my childhood best friend and I believe (I will just state the facts as I remember, from my point of view) we were the only 2 girls there. We were with Brian S, Brian H, Steve S, Cole G and I think that was it. We were playing some sort of game in the living room that turned into a drinking game possibly even a strip poker type of situation. There are flashes of memory after that: the hall ...

 At first, I sat there feeling distracted by the roofers next door and the traffic of the city. I constantly wondered if I was "doing it right." It feels wrong, like a waste of time. I'm trusting that this is what I need but I'm not sure how this is gonna play out. I know that "quiet time" feels like something my soul has been needing so I've been doing a tiny bit, here and there. Nothing like the 2 hours a day that's been assigned. I don't think one can "dig deep" in just 5 minutes a day of sitting with oneself. Maybe the longer lengths of time was what I was missing. I don't know. I do know that I'm scared to do it, scared I'll "fail" or not "do it good enough" or that it simply won't work. Apparently, this time is a way of becoming self aware, processing the suffering I have endured, which ultimately leads to my "North Star" which is my life's purpose, meaning and fulfillment. Sounds ...

I'm pretty proud of myself. At one point, in 2009, when I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was on 20 (like 2-0 as in TWENTY) medications. As of this morning, I officially take 3 - two of which are because I no longer have a thyroid so those will never go away. I'm workin on that last one... in July I had a pretty bad mental breakdown -ish where I just couldn't do life the way it was anymore. I had gone sober on New Year's Day, making that decision while nursing a massive hangover. Sobriety brought a small jewelry business as well as mental clarity which led to July. There had to be more to life than that.  I am currently seeing 2 counselors - one with the hubs & one solo. My eyes have been opened! I have co-dependency issues among other things but when you know better you do better! My life & my view of it has changed exponentially... for the better. It's so hard but it's for the better. Looking at yourself closely is never easy but I can say with cert...

I lit the match and set my old life ablaze. I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm unfamiliar. But I did it. I did it for survival - all while screaming "IT HAS *GOT* TO BE BETTER THAN THIS! THERE HAS TO BE MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS!"  Now I feel some confusion because this is a road untraveled. This is a road where you have to drive on the left. I have no experience with this. I'm still scared. I'm still angry but yet, it's different. It's different because life as I knew it is gone. There's been a paradigm shift in my world. I can't go back. I can't unlearn what I know now.  As I meditate I see a version of myself I've never seen before. She is strong, empowered with a powerful and "take no shit" stance. She is emboldened. She doesn't care what other people think; in fact, she isn't even looking at them. Her eyes are closed and she's protected, standing in a barren white, cracked desert. She is wearing white but wrapped in ...

RE-BRANDING A BUSINESS IS HAAAARRRDDD (said in a very whiny voice.) I like to think I am a graphic designer but, as I learned yesterday, I am not. You don't just say you want your business name to be "The Clock Tower" and it just magically happens. You have to check AVAILABILITY people: facebook, instagram, etsy, domains, blah blah blah, snore snore snore. You have to pick based on AVAILABILITY PEOPLE! My business name HAD to have meaning... that was the part I really cared about. Connecting my business name to my childhood is my new favorite. I'm using a lot of caps. I'll stop and get to THE GOOD STUFF. As you can tell, my brain is fried from learning a new program to design stuffandthings (one word. I use it often. Nope. Not a typo.) for my real job while creating for my photography/jewelry business logo. I put those hands together. Also, I didn't do it alone. Actually, I didn't do most of it. Brian Ruch is the real hero. He went to school for graphic ...

 Some things have changed but not much. The husband is still home keeping me from serving the great people of the church I work for to the best of my abilities. He needs a "come to Jesus" talk or a time out in the doghouse which is COVERED IN SNOW right now. Ugh! He is restless so I threw him a bone and gave him a task - follow my recipe, preparing and putting my famous roast in the Crock pot. There is quite a few steps, actually. Fancy times. I do feel like I am a depression-era pioneer woman by saving scraps and putting shit together that I never would have before. Then again, some days, I throw all caution to the wind and eat all the week's snacks in one day. The husband also has his massive blue tooth speaker blaring unchristian-like music so again, I urge you to keep him in your prayers. The teenager is still waking up everyday after noon even though I take all electronics from him when I go to bed about 10 pm. Not sure what gives but I can hardly blame him...I want ...

Yesterday was... well... depressing ? I can't quite put my finger on the feelings I have. I slept the day away after lunch and woke up feeling so tired. How is that possible?! Then it quite literally rained on our back yard fire parade and I honestly thought, while quickly gathering up our stuff, big shocker. It was disappointing and honestly it just got in line with all the other disappointments of the last month. I came in, dropped the stuff and then just took another seat. All this sitting and I'm still so tired. I thought I put my finger on it last night when I told a friend that my overall feeling is one of LONGING. Webster says that's a yearning desire, to desire something very much. Yeah. I guess so. This morning I wake up and I am instantly annoyed and I angrily go through the motions of yet another day at home: feed the dog, let her out, take medicine, start the coffee, turn my desk calendar that's now on my bistro table, open the curtains to more crappy weath...