Talking Out My Yipper

In two days, I will be sober 5 years and 7 months. In the beginning of my sobriety, I often felt bored and had too much time on my hands. So to counteract that, I started dabbling in resin. I began a jewelry business out of necessity and I quickly started saying, "Jewelry saved me!" But as I reflect now, I know that, really, I saved myself. I was self aware enough to turn to something else while an infant in my sobriety. Oh how I just replaced one addiction for another. One of outside acceptance and praise. I would get high on the fact that I got a lot of followers. I would get drunk on the sheer number of post likes and comments. I was addicted to the amount of money I was making and addicted to the attention. I eventually was creating just for "them" - not for me nor to heal my poor, broken soul.  I mean, let's face it, alcoholics become alcoholics because something is broken. I felt extremely broken after my dad died in 2018 so I spent the next 2 years develo...

 I own a small, predominantly online handcrafted jewelry business. I have been in business 3 years, 5 months & 2 days - exactly the same amount of time that I've been sober because I am an alcoholic. I'd like to think my success in both of those areas are directly linked. I stay sober by making jewelry. Successfully selling jewelry keeps me from drinking. But what if sales decrease or straight up end? Would I drink again? I drop new jewelry on my website every Friday at 9am est. It is 11:30 and I have zero sales. In all the years in business, that has NEVER happened on a drop day. It's depressing. I've watched sales steadily decline over the past few months, often daydreaming about the what if's and the why's. Is it our declining economy? Is it crappy designs? It is me? Recently it was brought to my attention that I offended and upset one of my long-time, consistently supportive customers. I noticed that she hadn't placed an order in several weeks. I was...

Today I decided to do the 2 hours together. I'm not sure that was super helpful. I feel like I just slept the last half hour/45 minutes anyway... even snoring/snorting myself awake a couple times.  I did take Xanax and hemp oil after the first hour so maybe that had something to do with it. So the first hour was more productive for sure. What kept drawing my attention was the sexual assault I endured at 12 or 13 years old... I know for sure that by 8th grade it had already happened because the bullying about it started during that school year. I was at the house party of an older male friend with my childhood best friend and I believe (I will just state the facts as I remember, from my point of view) we were the only 2 girls there. We were with Brian S, Brian H, Steve S, Cole G and I think that was it. We were playing some sort of game in the living room that turned into a drinking game possibly even a strip poker type of situation. There are flashes of memory after that: the hall ...

 At first, I sat there feeling distracted by the roofers next door and the traffic of the city. I constantly wondered if I was "doing it right." It feels wrong, like a waste of time. I'm trusting that this is what I need but I'm not sure how this is gonna play out. I know that "quiet time" feels like something my soul has been needing so I've been doing a tiny bit, here and there. Nothing like the 2 hours a day that's been assigned. I don't think one can "dig deep" in just 5 minutes a day of sitting with oneself. Maybe the longer lengths of time was what I was missing. I don't know. I do know that I'm scared to do it, scared I'll "fail" or not "do it good enough" or that it simply won't work. Apparently, this time is a way of becoming self aware, processing the suffering I have endured, which ultimately leads to my "North Star" which is my life's purpose, meaning and fulfillment. Sounds ...

I'm pretty proud of myself. At one point, in 2009, when I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was on 20 (like 2-0 as in TWENTY) medications. As of this morning, I officially take 3 - two of which are because I no longer have a thyroid so those will never go away. I'm workin on that last one... in July I had a pretty bad mental breakdown -ish where I just couldn't do life the way it was anymore. I had gone sober on New Year's Day, making that decision while nursing a massive hangover. Sobriety brought a small jewelry business as well as mental clarity which led to July. There had to be more to life than that.  I am currently seeing 2 counselors - one with the hubs & one solo. My eyes have been opened! I have co-dependency issues among other things but when you know better you do better! My life & my view of it has changed exponentially... for the better. It's so hard but it's for the better. Looking at yourself closely is never easy but I can say with cert...

I lit the match and set my old life ablaze. I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm unfamiliar. But I did it. I did it for survival - all while screaming "IT HAS *GOT* TO BE BETTER THAN THIS! THERE HAS TO BE MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS!"  Now I feel some confusion because this is a road untraveled. This is a road where you have to drive on the left. I have no experience with this. I'm still scared. I'm still angry but yet, it's different. It's different because life as I knew it is gone. There's been a paradigm shift in my world. I can't go back. I can't unlearn what I know now.  As I meditate I see a version of myself I've never seen before. She is strong, empowered with a powerful and "take no shit" stance. She is emboldened. She doesn't care what other people think; in fact, she isn't even looking at them. Her eyes are closed and she's protected, standing in a barren white, cracked desert. She is wearing white but wrapped in ...

RE-BRANDING A BUSINESS IS HAAAARRRDDD (said in a very whiny voice.) I like to think I am a graphic designer but, as I learned yesterday, I am not. You don't just say you want your business name to be "The Clock Tower" and it just magically happens. You have to check AVAILABILITY people: facebook, instagram, etsy, domains, blah blah blah, snore snore snore. You have to pick based on AVAILABILITY PEOPLE! My business name HAD to have meaning... that was the part I really cared about. Connecting my business name to my childhood is my new favorite. I'm using a lot of caps. I'll stop and get to THE GOOD STUFF. As you can tell, my brain is fried from learning a new program to design stuffandthings (one word. I use it often. Nope. Not a typo.) for my real job while creating for my photography/jewelry business logo. I put those hands together. Also, I didn't do it alone. Actually, I didn't do most of it. Brian Ruch is the real hero. He went to school for graphic ...

 Some things have changed but not much. The husband is still home keeping me from serving the great people of the church I work for to the best of my abilities. He needs a "come to Jesus" talk or a time out in the doghouse which is COVERED IN SNOW right now. Ugh! He is restless so I threw him a bone and gave him a task - follow my recipe, preparing and putting my famous roast in the Crock pot. There is quite a few steps, actually. Fancy times. I do feel like I am a depression-era pioneer woman by saving scraps and putting shit together that I never would have before. Then again, some days, I throw all caution to the wind and eat all the week's snacks in one day. The husband also has his massive blue tooth speaker blaring unchristian-like music so again, I urge you to keep him in your prayers. The teenager is still waking up everyday after noon even though I take all electronics from him when I go to bed about 10 pm. Not sure what gives but I can hardly blame him...I want ...

Yesterday was... well... depressing ? I can't quite put my finger on the feelings I have. I slept the day away after lunch and woke up feeling so tired. How is that possible?! Then it quite literally rained on our back yard fire parade and I honestly thought, while quickly gathering up our stuff, big shocker. It was disappointing and honestly it just got in line with all the other disappointments of the last month. I came in, dropped the stuff and then just took another seat. All this sitting and I'm still so tired. I thought I put my finger on it last night when I told a friend that my overall feeling is one of LONGING. Webster says that's a yearning desire, to desire something very much. Yeah. I guess so. This morning I wake up and I am instantly annoyed and I angrily go through the motions of yet another day at home: feed the dog, let her out, take medicine, start the coffee, turn my desk calendar that's now on my bistro table, open the curtains to more crappy weath...

Hi church family that I serve as Ministry Coordinator! I miss you all terribly and can’t wait until things go back to normal, whatever that means. I came down with some of the symptoms of Covid-19 after being exposed to a sick person, got swabbed but my results were negative. Praise the Lord! However, that still means I could get it, I guess, so self-quarantining is what’s best for me and my family right now. That just means I can still serve this wonderful congregation from my comfortable couch. I am feeling very healthy now. I am keeping myself busy making earrings for my Etsy shop, re-watching the West Wing and reading The Clockmaker's Daughter by Kate Morton for my, now online, book club as well as The Authenticity Project by Clare Pooley and My Italian Bulldozer by Alexander McCall Smith because I like to confuse myself by reading multiple books at once. The husband’s work has shut down until, at least, April 13th so he is here distracting me from doing God’s missions for you...

Wow! It's been 10 years since I wrote here & so much has happened. More on that later. Right now I am nursing a massive hangover with chicken Ramen noodles & a Bud light. I am feeling sick AF. It's time to make a change & grow up. I am having surgery on my left knee next week for a meniscus root tear. I am so overweight that I am actually worried about blowing out my good knee while it's supporting all of my 225-230lbs during the 6 weeks non weight bearing post-op. Never too late to change. "Anything's possible while your heart's still beating" - somebody said that but I'm too dizzy to look it up. My dad passed away 1-26-18 from heart disease & complications of diabetes. I also found out recently that my mom has been on blood pressure meds "for years." Hello genes, I haven't been helpful...until now. First step: gag down this beer, pop aspirin, go back to bed & not think about the fact that I've so not been living ...

Lastnight myself, my 14 y.o., my sister, my mother and my friend went to see Eclipse at 8 pm. I have to admit I was a little bummed I had to wait ALL DAY for my Edward fix but fix me, HE DID! We left for the movie an hour early to drive about 6 minutes to the theater and there was absolutely NO line and we were the first ones to enter the theater, meaning we got the best seats. (Everyone KNEW the movie came out yesterday, right? Why the emptiness?) There were MEN coming into the theater with their wives/girlfriends/friends with benefits...cuz YOU KNOW they were promised some if they went to this movie with them! No man, in their right mind, would go without a reward. When I asked Boobs to go, I couldn't even get the question out before he denied me. He's just jealous. During the previews, I got upset because they took forever, delaying my eyecandy, but also because I was proven wrong by my mother: Harry Potter doesn't come out until November. DAMMIT! Also, I kept getting th...

And I feel a little bummed about that. We got a dog and secretly I was hoping for some Marley & Me action so that I could post hilarious blogs about her bad behavior and become rich & famous. But instead Sam is a GOOD GIRL! (can I get a break, seriously?!) Boobs knows I ***HATE*** pet stores, shelters and even zoos honestly but it was Father's Day and I agreed that we could do whatever he wanted, all day (Note to Self: never do that again). So he suggested lunch (good), then the mall (better) then the Humane Society (sucky mcsuckith). I agreed to this day so I HAD to go. I have to mentally prepare, or just chain smoke outside the ratty gates, but I do enter and let me tell you (as if you don't already know) it's sad, it's stinky, it's loud. The very first dog we saw was the one we brought home but first... Can I just say... HOW MANY DAMN CATS CAN THIS WORLD HAVE FOR THE LOVE Ahhhh?! They are packed in like sheep. They are laying on eachother like hats and bl...

So, I wasn't going to blog about my drunken stuppor over the weekend but after 48 straight hours of a hangover and a day in bed reading aDay in the Wife, from the beginning, I decided, screw it. Whatever. My friend Stacey from "Upnorth" came for her monthly visit b/c it was SO HER TURN and when her son cried all night long the last sleepover we had here...we were due for a do-over. AND DO-OVER WE DID! It started with a photoshoot then some shopping. I should have known what kind of shape I would be in in the morning when I thought buying a pink mini skirt and a retro Madonna shirt was a good idea... After going home to change into above mentioned outfit, just the two of us went to dinner. Let me just say that I had only about 4 bites of dinner followed by the waitress kindly informing me that the two Long Islands she had already served me were the limit. TIME TO GO. So we had already decided earlier that after dinner we would go get Boobs and head to our local dive for so...

Before Will can even wipe the sleep from his eyes, he is walking into the livingroom, asking for me to turn off the Today Show so he can play "tv games" aka Playstation. This morning he asked if he could have candy for breakfast and when I said "no, let's go look at your choices," he quickly zeroes in on the syrup and wants to "drink" syrup for breakfast. When we looked in the fridge, I see he has randomly moved the mustard to the butter compartment and the butter all the way to the back. He gets his granola bar, and like with everything, he asks if those are just his. What his obsession is with things being because of him or just for him, idk?! He's also gotten back into the habit of asking me everytime I enter the house after being gone without him "what'd you get for me?" This weekend his 14 y.o. sister got a new cell phone and he got her old one. He's pissed b/c it isn't "real." What ever happened to pretend and ...

Yesterday I was going to blog about my life-altering PERIOD that I received (only having one a year brings on quite the FLOW) LOL! But I will spare you all the details. Instead...yesterday I spent the day running errands with my kids and some things happened that got me thinking and laughing, at the same time. We were in need of royal blue attire for Emily, who is trying out for cheerleading next week. Do you KNOW how hard it is to find royal blue stuff for cheerleading that won't have her ass or boobs hanging out like some little hussy -AND- it's cute and doesn't scream "I'M FROM THE BOY'S DEPARTMENT!" ???? Well, let me tell you: it was hard. But not impossible and we did come away with some cuteness. (I think Em should make the team just on her looks, but who am I to say?!) Then I had to get Will new flip flops b/c his gunboats are ginormica & he was walking around in last years model complete with his heels hanging off the back (mother of the year, ...

A few weeks ago, I was finishing Eclipse, that I got from the library, and THEY DIDN'T HAVE BREAKING DAWN (the next book in the series)!! There were like 78 holds on the first copy returned and that meant it could be DAYS before I could continue my Edward-loving haze-like daydream/reality-to-me saga!! And we couldn't have that much time go by people! So, I went down to my local Target store and bought the book after asking what their return policy was on books. Turns out you get 90 days with a receipt for a full refund. SCORE! I wouldn't need 9 days lady!! So I bought the book for like $15, read it, returned it and didn't feel bad AT ALL about it. Is that wrong? Who cares! I got my Edward-fix and that's all I cared about. THEN... Lastnight, I got the itch again! I felt dangerous. I felt like a crack head needing another fix. I felt unstoppable. I went to Target again ready to buy a book, read, return, repeat... except this time, my 14 y.o. stepdaughter wanted to go ...

Instead of thinking about soldiers & wars & sacrifice yesterday, I thought a lot about myself... sort of remembering me & what I like. I know it's self-centered... why do you think I didn't broadcast it to all the family I was around?! Also, my son's preschool marched in the parade & there was A LOT of waiting around for the line-up so my mind wondered. EXCUSE ME! I like a quilt on my feet when they are hot. Something about the soft, cool fabric makes me smile. I hate when a good book ends. Who knows when I will find the next one?? It could be DAYS! I love taking pictures with my new sLr camera. But I'm afraid others won't like them b/c ultimately I would like to sell them. I giggle inside when I hear my son laugh, like really belly-laugh. I could veg-out in front of the tv constantly, if everyone would let me :) I don't like being hot and sweating...so having a pool now is wonderful! I feel like I might actually enjoy summer this year. I just re...

May 21st will go down in the record books at this house!! It was Will's preschool graduation. Daddy took a few hours off work, the grandma's were there and of course, Aint Kenj & Maggie too. Mrs. Wurz marched the kids in while singing "The Ants Go Marching" and they lined up in front to perform it for us. It took Will a minute to realize we were all there but when he did, MAN, he smiled from ear to ear. They also performed "No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" along with motions and it was hilarious. Then they were led onto the stage, put on their graduation hats and performed a little ditty about each letter of the alphabet (I still say "F is for feather. Tickle, tickle, tickle.") Loved that. Then everyone was given their diplomas. Each kid had to shake hands with the teachers, hugs were given, then handed their diplomas. When it was Will's turn, Mrs. Wurz said "we love that smile!" Yes, my heart melted. Then it was audience parti...

1. is MY step-daughter. 2. misses her Mommy. 3. is clumsy. 4. loves plain Hershey's chocolate. 5. always smells good. 6. likes post earrings the best. 7. has like 3 dressers & a built-in closet that are full. 8. is addicted to the Sims. 9. is a meat & potatoes girl. 10. can't stay in the lines when painting her nails. 11. doesn't really like condiments. 12. is too cute. 13. is gonna have to beat boys off with a stick. 14. is non-confrontational. 15. is Hilarious! 16. gets good grades. 17. collects Nancy Drew books. 18. likes to watch History channel shows with me. 19. still likes to read for fun. 20. asked for a Webkin for Easter. 21. likes hummus, which surprises me. 22. rarely cries (I can count on 1 hand the things she's cried about) 23. doesn't like being an unaccompanied minor. 24. can get tan and I'm jealous. 25. doesn't sing out loud & she should. 26. is a good big sister. 27. isn't interested in sports. 28. has a passport. 29. is kind...